Leadership and Self-Deception

I just read a very interesting book by the Arbinger Institute. Normally I really do not care for "fable" books that are ever-so-popular in the business success genre. However, Leadership and Self-Deception is worthy of an exception to my general dislike. One reason is that it is fairly specific and gives examples that most people reading the book will relate to and understand. The another reason is that it is not a quick fix or fad, it is about making a meaningful, difficult change in ourselves that requires monitoring and renewal.

Are you interested yet? Or are you turned off because I cannot offer a quick fix? I do not want to spoil the book for you, but consider this. Have you ever noticed how some relationships spin out of control? And that if you have the courage to sit down to talk to the other person or group, they are just as confused about what happened as you are? Do you really help a person do better in their job or relationship by blaming or demonizing them? Who is that about really?

All through our lives some things go well with other people and other times, not so good. I suspect based on this book, you will find that the times when it goes well are the times when you are open to other people and not focused on yourself or justifying your actions or feelings. When relationships do not go well is when we focus on how we have been mistreated or what our needs are. There are definitely times we need to take care of ourselves, but have we hit the right balance yet?

Shaun Jamison
(C) 2005 All Rights Reserved

Venting vs. Gossip & Ruminating

Why is it that sometimes when you talk about a person or an incident, sometimes you feel better and ready to move on to another topic and other times, it whips you up and makes you angrier?

The difference may lie in the type of "telling" you are doing. What are the clues that you may be engaging in healthy venting? "I need to get this off my chest." or "I'll tell you this once and then I'll let it go." These are good clues that the speaker just needs to talk it out a little bit and "blow off a little steam. Sometimes they'll ask you to listen to their story to give them perspective because they realize they might be too personally involved in an incident to be objective. These types of conversations will probably help in the gaining of perspective and release of pent up feelings.

Notice how with venting, the focus is on the speaker's feelings, not the other person's bad actions. What, then, is gossip? Gossip in the negative sense is a story about a person's action typically set in a negative light. It may have elements of truth to it, but it can be heavily laden with personal interpretation, unsubstantiated claims or complete lies. It is told over and over again. The speaker seeks to convince the listener as to the "truth" and often gossip can be quite harmful to the subject of the conversation. If a person is gossiping and telling stories over and over again, they are not very likely releasing feelings, but cultivating them. They will intentionally or unknowingly tell the stories to sympathetic audiences that will not challenge them or may even encourage their negative thinking. This will lead to rumination.

Rumination is a fancy word for dwelling on something. Ruminating can have a very negative effect on your outlook and your forward progress in life. It is good to critically examine your interactions with others, but that isn't enough. Think about the positive action you will take as a result of your reflection on an incident or interaction with someone that didn't go well and then follow through. You will feel better and tactful and heartfelt feedback to the person you might have gossiped about might positively change their lives.

Shaun

(c) 2005 Shaun Jamison, All Rights Reserved

Why Doesn't Anyone Tell Me the Truth?

One of the reasons that you have been so successful to this point is that you are articulate and decisive. You build your reputation on being persuasive and dynamic. Your employees and friends admire you, but you suspect that they don't always give you the straight up truth you need to hear. If this is you (or describes someone you know), please read on.

Look for a pattern, when someone disagrees with you or gives you feedback, what do you do? Do you defend yourself and your decisions right aways or do you listen carefully to the person and ask questions in a non-defensive way? Do you have a need to be right? How is that working for you? Might people tell you the truth you need to hear if they felt safe in doing so?

Is this easy? Well, no. I practiced law for several years and I fully appreciate the drive to win. Am I asking you to be a doormat? No, just to do as Stephen Covey suggests and "seek first to understand, then to be understood." Of course you can share your point of view, but with a fully understanding of the other person's point of view and with them feeling honored and valued.

Try keeping track of instances of disagreement or feedback to see how you react and what the results are over the next week. Then revisit your notes to see what is working and what is not.

Good luck!

Shaun

(c) 2005 Shaun Jamison, All Rights Reserved

Fishing is Still a Good Metaphor Part II

We have all been turned off by pushy sales people. It's an unfortunate stereotype that causes some service professionals such as attorneys and accountants and even some sales people to ease off a little too much. In fishing for panfish, which are plentiful, but good eating, it is really important to set the hook. If you aren't paying attention, the little fish will nibble and nibble until they have your worm and you have nothing to show for all of your effort. You got up early, got your gear, dug the worms and drove the fishing hole, cast out and waited. Now you have a nibble and it's time to set the hook. Will you sit there and wait for the fish to get hooked? Will you say "well, if the fish really wants to get hooked, they will?" Likewise, you have a great service to offer and you have someone interested, but they haven't made a commitment yet. You are legitimately concerned about being both professional and ethical. But are there dignified ways to close? Sure! What's wrong with letting the customer know at the end of the conversation that you would be pleased to have them as a client? What's wrong with letting them know the next steps should they chose to hire you? Or what further questions they need answered to make a decision on hiring your firm? Nothing! There is nothing pushy here, but it clearly demonstrates that you are interested in the client and their project or case. You are merely helping the customer make the decision, not pushing them into anything.

(c) 2005 Shaun Jamison, Success Coach, All Rights Reserved.

http://www.guideonyourside.com